


Run (from the madness within)

by shutupeccles



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Humor, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, POV Alternating, Romance, Songfic, Werewolf Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-25
Updated: 2012-04-25
Packaged: 2017-11-04 07:48:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,800
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/391467
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shutupeccles/pseuds/shutupeccles
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Their relationship was never going to be smooth. Two wars and a deceitful friend made things worse. They came close to giving up, several times, and were never sure if it was strength of love or co-dependent weakness that kept them together second time round.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Run (from the madness within)

**Author's Note:**

> Ficlets progress from Hogwarts Marauders era through to start of HBP. Prompt and lyric headings from Marilyn Manson version of _Tainted Love_ by Soft Cell.

_sometimes I feel I’ve got to, run away  
I’ve got to_

Remus felt grass and earth between the pads of all four paws as he found balance and could at last indulge the instinct to run. Scents shifted, melded, separated and told him which friend had been idiotic enough to let him out of the Shrieking Shack. Of course it would be Padfoot. Neither Wormtail nor Prongs understood this need for supervised escape.

Moony caught Padfoot and rolled the enormous dog onto one side using his muzzle and forepaws. Werewolf eyes bored into canine before he bumped beneath Padfoot’s lower jaw with his nose. Then he howled a promise.

When it came time for Sirius to escape Grimmauld Place, Remus would run by his side and protect him. He could not acknowledge his changing attitude toward Sirius in that other, weaker form and Sirius would not understand it in this one. Pack authority he understood at every level. Moony was alpha while the moon was full. The rest of the time he was omega, the Marauders’ tail.

As long as he could be close to Sirius, he didn’t care.

 

_get away from the pain you drive into the heart of me  
the love we share, seems to go nowhere_

“Why does it feel like we’re starting from scratch after every full moon?” Sirius demanded of Remus in the privacy of the hollow statue of a humped witch. “Is it hormonal? You’re only comfortable being my boyfriend when your moon lust is at its peak?”

“No. I love you Sirius, all the time, consistently.”

“Then stop pushing me away before I become strong enough to stop running back to you.” Sirius gained no satisfaction from the despair on Moony’s face. He thought it would be gratifying to deflect his emotional injuries onto Remus. He couldn’t take this on-off, push-pull, confident-doubtful crap anymore. They were either a couple or they weren’t.

“You want to break up with me?” Remus asked, as though watching Sirius eat slices of his heart on toast.

Sirius needed to yell at him: ‘Why shouldn’t I? I’m sick of you practically dumping me on a monthly basis! Why should I wait for you to make up your mind?’ But he also needed to resolve this and stay together, like needing to eat. “No,” he admitted. “I want you to stop wanting to break up with me.”

“I never **want** to break up with you, Sirius. I’m afraid. It’s always worse just after. In between, I convince myself that things will change, we’ll be fine, you’re making me safer, better, that I can control this simply because I love you so much. Then each transformation is almost identical and… I could kill you Sirius, or worse. All it takes is mistiming our changes.”

Sirius clutched his boyfriend stiflingly close. “Allay thine fears, werewolf. I’m too beautiful to die,” he quipped dramatically.

Remus chortled and then kissed him. Sirius was astonished, and ridiculously happy.

 

_I’ve lost my light  
for I toss and turn, I can’t sleep at night_

The internal conflict never subsided. Remus merely became more adept at hiding it from Sirius. He always took it so personally, like he was the reason Remus didn’t want to be in a relationship. It wasn’t true. Remus wanted to be his boyfriend more than anything, apart from being rid of this curse.

“Then bite me,” Sirius suggested as they spent Valentine’s Day making out in Honeydukes after hours. “Make me one with you.” He made it sound straightforward and romantic, like ‘take me to Italy and kiss me under the leaning tower’. Remus had to remain realistic, they were barely sixteen.

“You’ll carry this curse forever. What happens when you break up with me? Will you pass it on to your next…?”

Sirius hexed Remus’ mouth shut. “There isn’t going to be a ‘next’, Remus Lupin. My breed of dog carries a curse too, which I didn’t know until recently. We mate for life. So if we break up, it will be because of you. Honestly Remus, who could compare to you?” Sirius unlocked Remus’ lips. Remus used them to kiss his stupidly passionate boyfriend before trying to talk sense into him.

“Being a werewolf isn’t like being an Animagus.” Remus had to hurry on and assure Sirius this wasn’t another form of rejection. “It hurts, all the time. The change is more noticeable around the moon of course, because that’s when the most dramatic transformations occur, but things shift inside on a daily basis, mind, body, temperament—always. I’ve spent the past eleven years in agony, Sirius. I can’t put you through that. I won’t.”

Sirius scowled, though he nodded. Remus could tell he wasn’t entirely convinced. “Ten years from now, after living beside this, if you ask me again—we’ll see.” The dark scowl disappeared as Sirius nodded again, yet a dark stain spread across Remus’ soul for even considering such a thing.

 

_once I ran to you, now I’ll run from you  
this tainted love you’ve given_

Immobile images of bikini-clad Muggles were the piece de resistance in Sirius Black’s opinion. He and his Marauder friends had been smuggling any belongings he actually gave a stuff about, out of 13 Grimmauld Place. His least favourite motorbike posters and near-naked females adorned his bedroom walls. Thanks to the permanent sticking charm they’d learned at Hogwarts this year, his mother and her household would never truly be rid of him, or his influence.

Regulus glowered at him across the landing, causing his happily rebellious step to falter.

“You’ll be alright, Reg. **You’re** the one they like!”

His younger brother muttered something about ‘no choice, have they’ before closing his bedroom door. The quiet snick was more dramatic than a slam. Sirius wondered if he was making a mistake as he stared at the handmade nameplate. He looked at his own door. That sign had been permanently stuck there the day Sirius was born by a proud, and now dead, father. Their parents never bothered making one for Regulus. That settled it. He knocked on the other door and then used magic to intrude on his brother’s privacy for the last time.

He sat quietly on the corner of Reg’s bed after his dramatic entrance. “Things would’ve been different if you’d been born first,” he said eventually. “Now Mother won’t be spending every waking moment telling me how shit I am she’ll have time to brag about her talented son to everyone.” Sirius took one of Reg’s Transfiguration awards from a shelf and held it out to him. There were shitloads of the things for almost every subject plus a few for Quidditch. Sirius was bright, but he was lazy. Regulus was a Slytherin, non-lupine version of Remus. Except the Lupins adored their son and made damn sure the boy knew it. “I’m doing this for both of us.”

Regulus scoffed. “You don’t care.”

“Yes I do. I didn’t think you did.” Saying it hurt.

“I don’t.” The wet sharpness in Reg’s eyes told Sirius that was a lie.

“Keep in touch, even if it’s to abuse me. Goodness knows I’ll miss that most of all.”

Regulus subtly flipped him the finger. Sirius chuckled sadly. “Now I know we’re brothers!” he declared. Regulus almost smiled at him. That was the memory Sirius took with him and privately cherished.

 

_I give you all a boy could give you, take my tears and that’s not nearly all_

They’d begun living together once Sirius bought a house with his uncle’s inheritance and life had been living up to the promises they’d made for years. But then James announced that Mrs Lily Potter was pregnant and something about Sirius changed. Whatever it was became more dramatic after Harry was born. Remus sensed him pulling away before he had visible and audible evidence to confirm his instinct, although Sirius drew closer than before at every full moon until it bordered on possessive. Remus tried to ignore the increased gap as Sirius got into bed beside him. Not even pyjamas used to come between them.

“Your breed mates for life, my sometimes furry behind!” Remus muttered as he doused the light.

“What’s that, Remus?” Sirius asked impatiently.

“You never call me Moony anymore, which is odd considering the only time you deliberately enter my personal space is when I’m under the influence.”

“That’s a bit difficult lately since the ‘Order’ has you running about with your pack…” The snide tone added to the cruelty of the comment.

“You once begged me to make you part of that pack! Thank Merlin I didn’t step in that particular dog turd. Just admit the novelty’s worn off and you’d rather partner up with someone normal.” Remus needed Sirius to admit it, although he didn’t want to hear it.

The light came on as Sirius rolled over abruptly, his angry glare stabbed Remus through the heart. “I’d rather my current partner tell me where he’s going every month!”

“Dumbledore knows.”

“Ah yes, you’ve never gone behind Dumbledore’s back before, how silly of me to be concerned.”

Remus got out of bed and got dressed. He didn’t know why he bothered getting undressed to get in, or why he bothered getting in at all. “You need to know where I go Sirius, fine! I’m spending the night at Lily’s. Hopefully she and James can help me decide whether it’s worth coming back here or not.”

Sirius apparated across the room and blocked the door. “Remus…”

“I compromised everything to remain your friend, then to be with you, but I can’t continue like this.”

“I need you to trust in me Remus,” Sirius almost barked. “You always trusted me before. When was the last time you conspired to take me along with you?”

“How can I when it’s you who stopped trusting me?” A dreadful thought burrowed its way from Remus’ brain to his heart and began to eat. “You only stopped me because I mentioned James and Lily’s. If I’d said Peter’s or…”

“That’s not true.”

“Yes it is,” Remus said quietly. “Do you think I picked this fight with you to have an excuse to go there before the Order moves them? It doesn’t matter that James automatically takes your side. I don’t need an excuse to visit Lily. Whatever problems **we’re** having, she remains my friend.”

“Why won’t you tell me where you’ve been going?” Sirius pleaded. Remus felt angry tears building like storm clouds and saw the same thunderheads form in the dark eyes of his lover. “It doesn’t have to be the most recent place, just one of them, any of them. It doesn’t even have to be in order.”

“I can’t! I’m under enchantment not to—and I did not accept that condition willingly, Sirius.” But your brother is a Death Eater and though you deny it, you still care for him. Voldemort will use your noble heart against you, through me if not Regulus. “I love you,” Remus admitted woefully. “Stop pushing me away at times I need to be closest to you.”

Sirius kissed him aggressively before putting both hands on Remus’ waist and pushing him back toward the bed. “You haven’t told me you loved me in months. Merlin, Moony! I was beginning to think…” His hopeful eyes contrasted with the cheerless ambiance and bolstered Remus’ flagging soul.

“I couldn’t imagine not loving you, Sirius.” He’d tried. “It hurt so much, every time you avoid looking at me. Never push me away again.” Remus clutched Sirius possessively by the hair and licked into his open mouth.

“Never,” Sirius promised. “I love you Remus, such a colossal amount. I became a ruddy dog for you, risked my life learning,” and let Remus swallow the rest of that sentence in another intensely passionate kiss. “It kills me to think that means nothing, that you don’t trust me or love me back.”

They were quickly naked with Remus flat on his back. He risked a sore arse by guiding Sirius in without lengthy preparation. Their eyes locked onto their partner’s face as Sirius buried his boner to the balls and summoned the necessary lubricant. He squirted it directly from the tube, onto his cock as he pulled most of the way out. He slid in much more pleasurably the second time. They bit and bucked, bounced and growled, flipped and fucked. A phoenix Patronus soared into the room and completely destroyed the mood.

“He’s not going!” Sirius barked at the deaf messenger. They frantically finished fucking in defiance of this interruption. “There’s days until the moon. Tell Dumbledore you’re not going,” Sirius sullenly sulked against a pillow as they huddled in dissatisfaction. They hadn’t had to use magic to help each other come since young Harry Potter crawled into his family’s guest room looking for Mummy, and Lily dashed in to scoop him up and carry him away.

“I’ll be back.”

“I’m coming with you.”

“I can’t protect you from others like me.” It was difficult enough protecting himself.

“ **We** need protecting Remus, us, this.”

“Which is why I no longer lead you to certain death,” Remus insisted angrily. “I didn’t mean to snap. I’m not angry with you. I just wish I was normal so you could be.”

They fought again. Remus minimised all his clothes and put them in his pockets. He wasn’t coming back. Sirius deserved more than this. Perhaps he did, too.

When his errand for the Order was complete and the moon waned, the first news brought to him was of the Potters’ deaths and Sirius’ disappearance. If Remus could get his hands on a Time-Turner he would prevent his parents from sending him to Hogwarts. He and Sirius would never meet. None of this would happen.

 

_now I know I’ve got to  
run away  
I’ve got to  
get away_

He’d been wrong all along. Suspicions that Remus was the traitor among them had been planted and exaggerated by the true perpetrator. Sirius wondered what horrid lies Peter told Remus.

“You made me doubt him and destroyed our lives, all of them, and for what? Do you think the Dark Lord gives a dirigible plum about you? About any of them, or any of this? I understand why you were jealous of James, you sycophantic puddle of piss, but what could Remus have possibly done to deserve this?!” Sirius yelled at Wormtail.

Rather than answer, the cowardly cunning ratfink blew up the gas main, killing several Muggles nearby and hopefully himself. Sirius laughed in disbelief. Both legs were cemented to the spot but in his mind Sirius was running from the stupidity of trusting the wrong friend, thereby causing the deaths of his favourite people. He ran from the shame of believing the man he continued to love, who once loved him, had been Lord Voldemort’s puppet.

He was insane before arriving in Azkaban, tortured by the irony that he’d spent more than a year suspecting Moony and now Remus believed Sirius was a murderous traitor.

 

_You don’t really want any more from me to make things right_

Remus hugged Sirius immediately after disarming Harry. Sirius hugged him back. He was forgiven before he’d truly begun to say sorry.

But neither could stay. Sirius had to run and Remus could not follow. Coded messages were filled with mutual apology, concern for Harry, and hopes for a future together. The three lost boys would become a family.

The note from the Order said to meet at Grimmauld Place and Remus did not wait for the specified date. He bounded into Sirius’ arms the moment the door opened. They talked excitedly despite communicating by aviary post in the intervening year and were soon frantically kissing then licking and sucking bare skin as they shed their clothes along the narrow foyer. Remus did not recognise the heavy green curtains hanging on the hallway wall but thought the rod was providently placed. He turned Sirius and pressed him against the drapery. They both grasped the curtain rod as Remus thrust hard and deep into Sirius from behind.

“Good god Moony! I always knew you were the one for me and that just proved it!” Sirius wiped cum from between his legs with the corner of a curtain before showing Remus the portrait behind it. “You remember Remus, don’t you Mother?”

The portrait shrieked abuse at them, restoring all the irreverence associated with adolescence. “Hope Sirius didn’t poke you with his enormous dick while I buggered him, Mrs Black.”

They revelled in her fury and provoked the old hag at every opportunity by leaving her portrait exposed to the light and romping about like animals at the first full moon, chasing, eating, pissing, shitting and humping wherever they felt like it. When the moon’s hold slipped away, Sirius gratefully kissed Remus in front of her. Moony had helped Sirius discover the freedoms he could enjoy in this latest prison.

“I love you Sirius Black,” Remus said.

“And I love you, Remus Lupin, my most wonderful werewolf.”

Remus imitated a howl and sank to the floor with a provocative grin. Sirius sat in his lap and then rode his cock where the deceased Mrs Black had no choice but to watch. It was revenge at its best.

 

_you need someone to hold you tight_

Apart from Harry, all Sirius and Remus had to live for was the fractious love that had been exploited for enemy gain before. They stopped walking past Mother’s portrait together to prevent her hollering ‘Fornicating beasts!’ in front of witnesses, doubting that would help keep the true nature of their relationship private. 

Sirius was on edge every time Remus went out for the Order. At the soonest possible moment, Sirius would haul Remus close and promise to provide a haven from whatever horrors he faced. Remus always relaxed into his embrace, whether they kissed or not. His powerful grip on Sirius would relax and the deep lines of tension in his face softened. His head came to rest on Sirius’ shoulder and he would breathe in and out heavily, once, then as normal. This should have been their welcome home routine first time around. Then they wouldn’t have disintegrated. They could not afford to doubt each other this time.

They slept in a tight tangle of limbs whenever Remus was home. Sex became slow, subtle, and almost silent because they were rarely alone in the townhouse. It was somehow deeper and more potent than the shingle-shaking shenanigans of their past. Solitude granted them the luxury of sharing a romantic meal and kissing in the kitchen, or sitting in the same armchair to reminisce. Bathing together swiftly became a favourite, whether or not it led to sex. Taking turns to carefully apply lather to the other’s hair and back was soothing and left more than their skin feeling clean. Every embrace, whisper, touch, or glance promised unconditional love.

This is how every day would be once the war was over. They promised.

 

_you think love is to pray but I’m sorry I won’t pray that way_

Remus hated keeping their relationship behind the bedroom door marked ‘Sirius’. “He deserves better than that,” he told Dumbledore. “We both do.”

“There’s no shame in your love for each other, Remus, there never has been. But he’s easy prey for Voldemort’s deceptions, having fallen victim to them before. Severus is taking necessary steps to shield Sirius and Harry at great personal risk…”

Remus interrupted Dumbledore by nodding curtly. “Severus probably knows, Albus. He did before.”

“You really should sleep in separate rooms, Remus.”

“No. He needs me beside him more than I need him.”

“Are you together out of guilt?” Dumbledore asked as if he knew for certain that this was the case. He was wrong. Remus could not stifle an immature smirk as he replied.

“Determination, not guilt. We let dark plots come between us before. Our relationship has never been unspoiled. There will always be complications but there will also, always, be love. James and Peter believed I could not love Sirius as deeply and desperately as he loves me—they were wrong. If anything the reverse is true. If Harry had died with his parents I would not have survived to know Sirius was innocent of causing their deaths. If not for Sirius’ persistence and my reliance on him, he would have been in a normal relationship with a normal wizard, not emotionally entangled with a dark creature who anyone would suspect of consorting with the darkest of wizards. We would not have been manipulated into becoming victims and I would have loved him regardless, continuing to wish things were different, that I wasn’t a blasted werewolf.” Remus laughed sharply. “The one thing I truly despise about myself and Sirius loves me for it!”

“You do not believe his affection would endure if a cure was developed for your condition?” Albus asked shrewdly.

Remus did not. But this was one fear, one secret he would never reveal.

 

_once I ran to you  
now I’ll run from you_

Remus no longer wanted this responsibility, if he ever truly had, whereas Sirius was going stir crazy because he couldn’t go out for the Order any more.

“Harry’s got Prongs’ cloak downstairs,” Remus said quietly as he watched Sirius trim his toenails. Hardly romance at its best! At least he didn’t use his teeth like Peter dared James to do in Second Year. “Remember the special summoning spell Prongs reckoned he invented to locate the thing?”

“Stupid damn cloak, where the fuck are you?!?” Sirius grumbled in a fair imitation of an irritated James. His eyes glinted with remembered mischief.

“That’s the one,” Remus said with a grin.

Sirius grinned back and casually kissed him. “I miss the freedom of those days.”

“Me too,” Remus admitted as Sirius vanished the pile of toenail clippings with his wand. He missed the early days of living together, both times, when only mundane things required their attention.

Sirius smoothed the wrinkles out of Remus’ pyjama pants with his palms. “Was mentioning the cloak a suggestion to borrow it and get out of here for a while?”

“We can nick off to a nearby Muggle pub, not too close, and toss some darts.”

“Shoot some pool,” Sirius added wistfully.

“Dance beside the jukebox with my hands on your arse.”

“Without a herd of Weasleys bursting in. I’ll let you fuck me in the toilets.”

“Then we can magically etch a stick-figure version of the incident into the wall.”

“Absynthe was pissed when we did that in the Three Broomsticks.” Sirius grinned broadly as he said it.

“It’s still there. Rosmerta couldn’t get rid of it either.”

Sirius let his hand rest idly on Remus’ knee. “I love you Moony,” he said simply.

“Love you too, always. Shall we go?”

They used the illusionment and Muffliato charms to sneak into the room Harry shared with Ron, rummaged around for Potter’s invisibility cloak, and apparated out of Grimmauld Place for a couple hours of necessarily irresponsible fun.

Dumbledore’s later lecture about immaturity took some of the shine off their evening but was not enough to tarnish it entirely.

 

_this tainted love you’ve given  
I give you all a boy could give you_

Sirius saw the way his cousin’s daughter noticed Remus. At the sound of his voice Nymphadora’s features became prettier, her eyes and hair brighter, her bosoms bigger and higher. Eye contact made it worse and if Remus smiled at something she said…

Their conversations weren’t contaminated by history like those Remus had with Sirius. The Moony-Padfoot relationship teetered on the verge of ending the moment it began. Nothing about it had ever been simple or smooth.

Sirius resented her. He’d known since Second Year that werewolves were bisexual and had shown Remus the books he’d found that information in. ‘Finally, an upside. I can snog everyone!’ Remus had joked gleefully at the time, but he’d only ever been with Sirius.

At least, Sirius hoped that was still true.

 

_take my tears and that’s not nearly all_

“What did you say?” Remus demanded in disbelief.

“You heard,” Sirius barked and slammed the lavatory door shut.

Remus slammed it open again. “Last time you thought I was Voldemort’s agent and now you accuse me of fucking around? Have you **ever** trusted me Sirius?”

Sirius stopped peeing midstream to glare at Remus. “You like to blame everything on the fact that you’re a werewolf. ‘I can’t be as naughty as Sirius and James because I’m a werewolf and everyone expects me to be evil.’ ‘I have to control my temper because I might tear someone’s face off.’…”

Remus was currently having trouble suppressing that instinct.

“… ‘I can’t commit to you Sirius because I am a freaking dog-fucking werewolf!’”

Sod this. “No Sirius, **you** blame every problem we have on me being a werewolf rather than admit you’re an insecure arsehole! Biting you under a full moon won’t change that. I’d still be out risking my life trying to persuade others of our kind to support, if not join the Order and you’d be stuck here, making out with Buckbeak.”

Sirius hit him about the head, at least twice in rapid succession. Sirius had never so much as threatened physical violence against him before. “Get out Remus. You are no longer welcome inside these walls aside from Order meetings so you can make your martyr reports to Dumbledore. Try to keep your paws off the girl while you’re here. This is still my house.”

Remus wanted to blame Azkaban but that was simply another crutch. He stomped downstairs rather than apparating.

Severus entered the front door as Remus reached for the handle. He took one look at Remus’ face and closed the door behind him, blocking Remus’ exit. “He noticed the girl’s infatuation?” Severus asked without intending to aggravate the situation. Remus nodded. “Perhaps Dumbledore should heed the advice of certain members of the Order and grant you a cycle off. I have offered to prepare the potion for you.”

“Thank you Severus.” Remus was surprised by this smoothly voiced and compassionate gesture.

“Black is becoming increasingly volatile. This,” Severus gestured to a bruise forming above Remus’ let eye, “proves that we are all in danger unless he is locked up again.”

“He **is** locked up again, Severus. That’s the problem.”

“Then leaving him unattended is unlikely to help, is it?”

Severus unblocked the door as Remus returned to the stairs. Ankles and knees protested at every step that brought him closer to Sirius’ room. He opened the door without knocking because Sirius was most likely on the upper floor feeding dead rats to the hippogriff. Remus began taking things from a drawer. Perhaps sleeping in Regulus’ room until the Weasleys came back… he paused, hearing a whimper and huffed intake of breath followed by a stifled whine. They weren’t human sounds. Remus placed his folded clothes on one corner of the bed and walked around to discover part of a shaggy black tail poking out from underneath. He carefully sat cross-legged above Padfoot, ensuring nothing dangled over the edge.

“Sirius, come out please.”

The dog growled.

“This isn’t fair. I can’t change to talk to you as an equal, like you do for me.”

Sirius slunk further under the bed.

“Don’t make me crawl under there!”

There was no reply. Remus leapt off the bed and joined Sirius underneath. The fur on Padfoot’s muzzle and forepaws was warm and damp. This was making them both miserable. Remus hugged the dog until he became a man again and they could discuss this properly.

“I love **you** Sirius. Other people make me laugh and smile, but not the way you do. We’re more than a past…”

“Remus, what’s happening to me, to us? I never would have hit you before. What if I do it again?”

Remus didn’t know and hoped they’d never find out.

 

_don’t touch me please  
I cannot stand the way you tease_

Nymphadora placed a casually flirtatious hand on Remus’ wrist. He made an excuse to leave the table then sat down in a seat closer to the biscuit tin, and Sirius.

Sirius was satisfied.

Her second attempt later in the same meeting was less subtle. Sirius received an owl from Harry which probably shouldn’t be read anywhere near Severus and the wench practically flew into his vacant seat. Remus couldn’t escape. He already had a full cup of tea and uninhibited access to his favourite chocolate biscuits, plus he was blocked in by Molly Weasley.

“Kindly keep your hands to yourself Nymphadora,” Severus scolded in flat tones. “It’s rather distracting, not to mention offensive to his partner.”

The Order of the Phoenix turned to Remus, apart from Sirius. He stared at Snape, the letter from Harry forgotten.

“How on earth did you find time…? She isn’t a werewolf…?” Molly’s stern enquiry was interrupted by Snape before it became a lecture on safe-sex practices for the anthropomorphic community.

“Sorry you had to find out this way, Black, but the Dark Lord would surely disapprove of a dalliance between his double agent and Albus Dumbledore’s pet werewolf.”

Glazed stares began to crack around the table as Remus, Sirius, and Albus chuckled.

“Remus always did prefer the company of dangerously naughty boys,” Dumbledore quipped.

“Particularly with dark hair,” Remus added.

“As did Evans,” Sirius continued, in reference to Lily’s incomprehensible friendship with Snape.

“Considering Evans married Potter, one can only interpret that as an insult.”

“If the Sorting Hat fits, Snivellus,” Sirius retorted glibly.

“We need to set our Hogwarts histories aside and focus on Harry.” Remus aimed a stern glare at Sirius and Severus. It was almost stern.

“If only you’d exerted such authority over your classmates during your time as Prefect,” Dumbledore countered. Sirius and Severus smirked at Remus, who winked at Sirius as Severus smoothly brought the meeting back into order.

Perhaps Snivellus wasn’t a complete git after all. Sirius would endeavour to be less spiteful toward him for Moony, Dumbledore and Harry’s sakes—or continue to torment him for sanity’s.

 

_I love you though you hurt me so_

“…stay home with Black. Distract him with deviant doggie intercourse if you must. On no account let him go to the Ministry.”

“Bollocks to that!” Sirius declared in response to Snape’s message. Remus tried several arguments to talk Sirius out of rushing off to the Department of Mysteries as they bounded up the stairs to his father’s room and the flying motorbike that Hagrid brought back when Sirius returned to Grimmauld Place. He stroked her handlebars with almost as much affection as he caressed Moony’s scarred back that morning. He’d ride them both twice daily, if he could. Not even kinky bribe-sex with Remus would keep Sirius here when his godson was being threatened by Death Eaters. “Since it’s my fault James and Lily are dead, it’s my dual responsibility to protect Harry tonight. Tell Severus I beat you into submission.”

Remus mounted the bike behind him and Sirius sat for a moment before starting her up. They hadn’t taken her out in fifteen years and Sirius had forgotten how splendid it felt to have his Moony lover wrapped around him like this.

“I love you Moony. Don’t you die tonight,” Sirius called over his shoulder while kick-starting the second love of his life.

“Wasn’t planning on it, my love,” Remus replied then kissed the back of Sirius’ neck as the Black Beast roared into life.

Sirius knew Remus trusted and forgave him, for everything.

 

_now I’m going to pack my things and go_

Dear Remus,  
I don’t really know how to express any of this, apart from I’m sorry. Sirius wouldn’t be dead if not for me. You wouldn’t have lost your closest friend so soon after regaining everything. I dread to think how much my life would suck without Ron and Hermione.  
Sirius left his house to me. I don’t know what to do about that yet. Either way, you don’t have to rush about finding somewhere else to live. I reckon it’d be brilliant if you continued living there, if the house will let me do that. Muggle houses don’t get a say in it so I don’t know how this works.  
I’m not only saying this because you were my godfather’s friend and he probably would have left the place to you if he could have, but because I wouldn’t have made it through Third Year or this year without you.  
Thanks for keeping me out of the arch. Please keep in touch.  
Harry

Remus carefully folded Harry’s letter and added it to his trunk. He sat on the bed he’d shared with Sirius for too few nights and stared at every object in the room in hopes of memorising each detail. They’d wasted so much of their time together fighting, from the very beginning, but at least fighting led to reconciliations and deeper understanding. There was no making up after death.

“I can’t stay here without you Sirius. Holding Harry away from that arch is the only thing that stopped me throwing myself after you.” But then later that night he’d done something worse, something unforgiveable that he couldn’t bear thinking about—Nymphadora. He’d been so angry at Sirius for dying when they finally recaptured the best of their relationship.

Remus stood in front of the photograph of four Hogwarts Marauders. He clutched at his hair with one hand while his other fingers splayed over the picture, one touching each teenage chest. What happened to these smiling boys? Why were their futures filled with agony, tragedy and betrayal?

“Pair of sentimental old fools,” Severus drawled quietly from the doorway.

“What do you want Severus?” Remus asked wearily. He left the tears on his cheeks.

“Dumbledore insisted I escort you to the safe house. Now the Dark Lord has chosen to reveal his presence, Albus believes reconnecting with an old school ‘chum’ during his time of misery will remind me which side I’m on.”

“Do you need reminding?”

Severus ignored the jibe. “Nymphadora offered, of course. She is as relentless as her cousin. You should avoid her if you wish to prevent history repeating.”

Remus intended to do just that, although it may already be too late.

The black eyes of Severus Snape were focussed on the door jamb rather than Remus. “I also wish to extend my sympathies, unwelcome and misinterpreted as they may be. Such loss often leads to rash behaviour. One never, truly, recovers.”

“Thank you Severus.”

Severus nodded abruptly. “Nevertheless, Black was an arrogant imbecile and not worth mourning.” He stepped onto the landing with a swirl of robes. “Heel, Lupin.”

Remus sighed heavily and followed Severus down the stairs. His trunk levitated behind him.


End file.
